Sparta's Toughest Royal Answers Your Most Vexing Questions
Hello again Spartans, it is I, your king, answering your questions about love, life, and everything else that makes you lie awake until the wee hours of the morning. This month I received two very different questions, but both important: “How do I survive family reunions around Thanksgiving and Christmas?”
My family reunions always included feasts, competitions, and at least one death. I’m assuming yours will be a little different. We also didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving nor Christmas, but whenever my family decided to get together, it was common knowledge that hell was sure to follow. Even back in Ancient Greece, I had the annoying grandmother who still pinched my cheeks even after I conquered her village. I had the uncle who thought it was cool to pull a dead snake from behind my ear. And my parents would get sucked into arguments about whose goat was more beautiful. It was horrible. Although you may not have the scarring dead snake experience, I know everyone can relate to the goat. The easiest advice I can give to you is that when you need a break from your relatives, just take one. Go and lay down on a couch somewhere you won’t be disturbed and take a texting break. Also, remember that they’re still family no matter how annoying they are.
The second question has less to do with family and more with flailing around helplessly.
“What should I do for a first date?”
The season is fall, and the answers are many. It has been said for centuries that fall is the best season for dating, and I quite agree. The first idea that came to my head would to take your lovely person of interest and show them your many fields ready for the upcoming harvest. This is my personal favorite as ladies love a guy skilled in growing wheat. But, if that doesn’t suit your fancy, then I suggest some sort of activity involving food. Dinner, ice cream, coffee, or walking around a fall festival eating funnel cake can all be enjoyable and give you the opportunity to talk to and get to know them (a movie is a horrible first date because you sit there silent, don’t do that). It doesn’t have to be the most romantic first date in the world, but make sure she has a good time. If you’re feeling too nervous beforehand, sacrifice a goat or two. They obviously like you at least a little, because they agreed to go on a date in the first place. Keep that in mind.
Good luck and remember, This is Sparta. King Leonidas III